Living With Consent

First of all, I'm not a writer and this is more of a documentation for myself than for others to read but if you are still interested go for it.
Believe it or not, I'm reading yet another book on parenting. I thought after Unconditional Parenting by Alfie Kohn, I was done. It changed my whole outlook on discipline and gave me so much confidence, said everything I had always felt but couldn't articulate. I just joined yet another yahoo group Consenual Living and found a book on their site 'With Consent: Parenting for all to win' by Jan Fortune-Wood. It was described as "the most radical book on parenting..." So I was intrigued. When I ordered it from Amazon it was the last copy and it came all the way from the UK. I was half way through this 98 page paperback and my life began to change in wonderful and great ways!
I have lived my life without believing that I really could have what I wanted and that for one person to get what they want another one must give something up, I didn't think I believed this but I was living this way with my husband and daughter and everyone else for that matter. I would see my dh reading his beloved newspapers and resent it, why couldn't I read for a while. I was a martyr, I would give all my time and energy to parenting and have nothing left for myself. That's not fun at all. I felt guilty when I did get some time to myself, like I didn't deserve it or I was burdening my husband. So you get the picture, it was subtle but the resentment was very much there.
This book tells me we can all get what we want and it's only a matter of finding a creative solution that works for everyone. It invites us to take our children seriously. "Taking Children Seriously is a philosophy of parenting and education that in place of coercion we can reach common preferences with children, that is, a win-win situaton that fosters autonomy and respect." I obviously can't copy the whole book here, you'll have to get your own copy!
I have had a major shift in my whole outlook on life and am questioning all those rules we have for ourselves and for the first ime I feel we can all get what we want and it's my jod to help Lucy get what she wants in life.
It talks about how to
*Recognise our own fallibility at all times.
*Do not simply listen to and hear our children, but actively work with them to find mutually preferable solutions.
*Give advice, but desist from insisting that we know what's best for another autonomous human being.
*Do not dress artificial consequences in the guise of natural consequences, but use your parental role to alleviate consequences with information and assistance.
And
*that as a parent we owe our children, they do not owe us.
*A consent based parent is a trusted advisor not a rule making know it all.
*Information and trust keep children safer than rules.
*Consent involves engagement the opposite of neglect.

This is getting too long and doesn't even begin to give a summary of this book, I am so much happier with my life and have found joy in places I didn't know could be found, good for me! Gardner and Lucy are much happier, too!