The Little House on the Vineyard

Wow, it's been a long while since posting. So here's a run down of the last 8 months. In October, we planned and I got pregnant. We were very happy and thought it would be just fine and great, we would find a midwife in Texas and were looking forward to a homebirth. We celebrated Thanksgiving with my mom and my brother, Kent and his wife, Tasha and their daughter Austin in Hillsboro. We went on a train ride in Ft Worth. It was very cold. I was nauseaus most of the time.
In December, Gardner went to San Diego to work for a couple weeks and Lucy and I stayed in Hillsboro and then were heading up to my moms for Christmas. A week before Christmas, I started bleeding. Luckily, my friend Evie from SD called because I didn't have a computer for info. She helped feed me info. I was misscarrying at around 10 weeks. Our dear friend Demetria came to visit on her way to Florida, what timing, I was so happy to see her, she has a healing spirit and I felt so much better for seeing her. She left in the morning and somewhere around 36 hours after starting to bleed I started having what seemed to be contractions, then severe pain like the transition phase of childbirth. I hadn't expected this, I had been cramping for most of the time leading up to this and assumed a misscarriage this early would be like a bad period. With my 4 year old watching TV, I birthed my baby, nothing was recognizable and even though I'm sure this was nature taking care of an abnormal pregnancy, it was so hard. I was in severe pain and alone. I did believe in my body's ability to know what to do and would only go to the Dr. if I was bleeding too much or felt something was wrong. I knew this was natural, I have talked to women who have birthed misscarriages at later stages of pregnancy that described what I went through but I didn't expect so much from 10 weeks. Then came the emotions, I was so sad, cried for a few days and thought I was OK. then wasn't OK. Mourning has its ups and downs. I was depressed for a while and still not sure, maybe it becomes history but the pain is still in my heart.
Lucy, Gardner and I went to San Diego at the end of January after pruning back all the grapes. We had fun going to the parks and playing with friends, we were only planning on being there for 2 weeks but we ended up staying 5 weeks. I was scared of being back in my MIL's house, after the stress of the previous year but my relationship with her was better. I'm not sure what happened but she was different and I know I was more humble and the longer I live the more compassion I have for other people and their situations. I have been working on getting rid of my judgemental attitude. Going through pain, struggling to know what the right decision to make is in any given situation, knowing we all make mistakes and realizing that what to do in the face of my judgements and mistakes is to keep on loving, forgiving , focusing on the here and now, and looking to the positive. I'm different. I have anxiety and live in fear but trying to overcome these and look to love, trusting in love.
Lucy and I came back to Texas in March. We drove from SD to Tucson, where Grandpa lives stayed the weekend, picked up my mom there and drove to Texas. We stopped in White Sands, NM, the sand dunes were amazing! then to Cloudcroft, NM, saw some snow, stayed in a B&B, then to Carlsbad Cavern's, amazing, too. We also stopped to see my dad in Hobbs, NM, he was working there and we had breakfast with him, then on to Paris, Tx to my mom's and eventually to Hillsboro. Gardner continued to work in SD until the end of April. We spent 8 weeks here without Gardner. THen he went back for 2 weeks in May. Being a single parent in the middle of nowhere was difficult, to say the least. We made the best of it, but I really don't want to do that again. Lucy missed her dad so much. Thankgoodness my mom was able to come visit us every weekend! And we went up to Paris, too. We have been without Gardner 3 months out of the last 8.
So to the present: June, we have signed a contract to sell our vineyard with hope of being back in SD by the end of July. I have had so many emotions, from not wanting to sell this place to get me out of here as soon as possible. In fact, I spent the whole first year in cullture shock, the second year looking for a friend, the third looking for friends for Lucy and all of the first 3 years wishing I was in SD. This is the first year I have enjoyed the grapes because I have been able to really work out there. Lucy is big enough to find things to do to entertain herself, like stirring up fire ant piles with a grape vine and searching and finding bird's nest with eggs or baby birds. She has quite a collection of wild bird eggs, blue, speckled, white. We so enjoyed looking through bird books and identifying them. I enjoy and will miss living here with 18 acres and grapes, the big open spaces, Lucy running around and playing with the neighbor kids wth lots of space to play and ride bicycles on our quiet gravel road, the quietness, the peaceful sound of birds. I think we lived here at a good time in Lucy's life, she will remember the vineyard and we were working and living together, we were able to spend more time with my mom. too. I'm so sad to move so far away from my mom. BUT we will have so much more to do and see and experience in and around SD, for unschooling and life, I have to remember how much I love living there. It's been so long and we haven't had a home in SD to ourselves, always at my MIL's house, we will get our own place and that is definately something to look forward to. I know we will be happy in SD, since being a family, Gardner, Lucy and I have never had a normal life there, we have spent tax season there when Gardners very busy and lived at my MIL's house which is very stressful for me. It's hard to imagine what life will be with our own home and a regular work week for Gardner in SD. I'm still here trying to figure out what I need to do in order to move in 3 weeks. The whole idea seems unreal.